Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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