Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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