i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
