Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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