yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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