Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
