When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
