who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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