Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
