I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
