chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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