Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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