remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
COCAINE IS GR8
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
