dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
