Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
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Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
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Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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