Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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