At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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