If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You are a genius and a whore.
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