1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
