we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
