About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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