cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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