i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
