Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
