How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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