Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
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Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
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This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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