Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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