my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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