It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Dignity is for republicans.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
