Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We had sex on a dog bed..
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
