I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
