I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
