I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just gargled with NyQuil
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
