I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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