I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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