i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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