You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
