I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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