he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
