we're chasing vodka with high fives
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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