Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My breasts were aching with rage.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
