we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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