I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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