I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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