no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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