The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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