So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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