When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
