you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
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had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
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If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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