What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
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I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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