note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
