sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
