Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
