So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
