my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
