I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
