just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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